It really is ridiculous. I came back from a wonderful refreshing ten days in Mozambique, and then what happened? How did five weeks fly by, and I have not put pen to paper? When I have serious deadlines to meet?
As most of us do when we find ourselves in similar pickles, I have plenty of justification for the gap, but at the end of the day it comes down to me. Why did I allow people, events, other peoples’ tardiness to overturn my life and cause me to compromise my routine and deadlines? Many questions, one simple answer: old habits die hard.
For as much of my life as I can remember, I have felt responsible. This is largely the legacy of being an only child, left fatherless at a young age, believing I needed to take care of my distraught mother, widowed at the young age of 34. Rather than decreasing as I got older, this sense of being the buck, the one charged with taking care of everything, increased. And as is the manner of the such things, every stage of my life seemed to bring situations that ensured this sense became more and more entrenched.
Of course, how this comes across to others is not great. Overbearing is probably a kind way of putting it, while feeling stressed and unable to cope, lashing out at whoever comes too close.
I am trained in what used to be called Theophostic Prayer Ministry, now Transformation Prayer Ministry, which is a powerful method of bringing healing. One of the steps one takes as a facilitator in the process, is after counsellees have a revelation that exchanges the lies they have believed for the light of truth, is to go back and ‘test’ the emotion, test that the person really does have freedom in that area.
I believe God does that. He takes us through a process where He shows us the error of our ways. But He always comes back to check if we have learnt the lesson, if we’ve really got it. Sometimes He has to check a few times before He can let us go, give us the certificate, be sure we are not going to fall into that trap again.
Tied into this is the scripture so many love to quote from Luke 4:13: “and he left Him, for a while”. The New King James Version says “until an opportune time”, which is also translated as a testing time.
I think that is where I have been the past few weeks.
Thankfully, I have learnt enough to know that when I am in trouble, feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, I need to seek Him, seek my God’s wisdom and guidance and I praise Him for He is faithful who carries us!
This morning I woke up with a wonderful feeling of release, that freedom from oppression, understanding once more that I can only be responsible for that which falls under my brief. Equally those around me are responsible for what is theirs. If we are tied into a venture together, we will stand or fall – either way only my share of the load will be accounted to me.
What a relief!
Back to the journey, to the walk Beside Still Waters. Yes, I said I had come to a place of healing, and it seemed I had come to the end of this series of blogs. I have not. There are three more issues that need to be addressed, and I will work on these over the next three weeks.
Meanwhile it is impressed on me once more that our journey on this planet is never over. As much as God’s mercies are new every morning, so are the lessons to be learned, the experiences to be had, the friendships to be developed, until that day when the promise of the heavenly Jerusalem comes to pass.
