Beside Still Waters

This imagery when presented to me resonated deep within my soul. This could be the title of a book, or maybe a poem. It came to me that I have not written a poem for a long time – why not?

It is so easy to blame the inner critic, that insidious voice that causes one to hesitate, find something else to do, give in to all and every distraction. I was talking with a friend about this propensity for distraction. I used to say it was procrastination, even claiming I had a PhD in procrastination, but it’s deeper than that. It is a willingness to enable myself not to do what I should be doing, namely write! I have done this for so long it is now the norm.

My friend confessed that she too loved distraction and would easily give in to its enticement. She even texts me to show her distractions – ah, that gives me a thought: we need to be each other’s accountability partners!

Meantime, how do I break this pattern, this slow and deliberately learned behaviour. Social media is full of excuses for procrastinators – it is down to the abuses of our past and we need tender therapy to help us overcome those tragic events. Something in me refuses to accept this – maybe because it is too close to the truth. I’ve been abused, and I have worked to ensure I reach a place of healing, as healed as one can be in this fallen world of ours, and fear this is simply another excuse to mess around.

I think the true reason I don’t get on with the task at hand is a fear of failure. That possibly is the abuse of my past – that deep abiding shame that I was made to feel when I mucked up, so it is easier to put off, even not do at all, than attempt something and not succeed.

Is that what God is saying to me through His word? Psalm 23 has come across my path four times in almost as many days. My second book, ‘Sipho’s War’ releases on Friday 8^th November. My first book, a middle grade ‘cut my teeth on’ a novel has been available on Kindle for about a decade, lying idly in space. To be fair, copies that I printed have sold well – Kindle and Amazon do not recognise the banks in this region of the world, so unless one sells thousands of copies any chance of being paid by them are minimal.

The book I really want to write has been collecting dust on various laptops since 1987 – in fact I have a chapter written on an electric typewriter, heaven forbid! It’s set in the mayhem of the 1980’s in southern Africa, a complicated time that needs careful unravelling.

I learn I need to develop an Author platform, brand myself, make myself into a marketable commodity. To do this I must look at which part of myself needs to be out in the public domain: Who I am and why should readers invest in me.

To Psalm 23, yes, I have come through the mill, been through the valley of the shadow of death a few times – cancer, armed hold-ups, two bad husband choices – but I have also been led beside still waters, been refreshed and comforted. I’ve rejoiced as my enemies snapped and snarled when I was granted a seat at a banqueting table I wasn’t sure I deserved, but enjoyed the meal nonetheless.

Longevity is not a hallmark of my family, but here I am at 71 defying genetic odds and rejoicing in being at least twenty years past my sell-by date. A few of years ago in the dark night of sickness, I called out to the Lord and asked Him what He wanted me to do if He wasn’t taking me home, and heard Him say: Write, write as if your life depends upon it.

So, this is me, a woman who has climbed mountains and fallen into deep valleys, I have known despair, and I have known joy.

And I have stories inside me that need telling, and the time to step onto that pathway is now. Yay!